This is the second untitled post in this blog. Why? Because I can not find a suitable title. It has been around 2 months since Toffee died. I have never felt such a void in my life before. I have felt lonely since the day she died.
This post is a kind of diary entry which can also be called a 75% of my life history. I have written it myself.

The day I was born there was Pansy in our house. She was in her middle ages and protected me like a mother. I had an older sisters but she died when I was quite young, and I hardly have any recollection of her. Pansy had arrived the day my sister was born and they grew up together. She was more closer to my sis, they were friends. I was born 3.5 years later. Pansy could never accept me as a friend but she protected me like a mother. My sis died some time ago and Pansy and I were left. No one could dare lay a hand on me when Pansy was around. I had this feeling of security around her. We lived in a large house. Me, my mother and my grandparents and my great grand father. Father was in the army and he came on holidays for 2 months every year until he took premature retirement 6 years ago and started living permanently with us. The old house was quite huge (15 bedroom, 2 story bunglow with a garage for 5 cars, a 200 square feet garden with a lawn type boundary and a 300 sq. feet veranda is quite huge), especially for a 4 member family. So I hardly had any interaction with my neighbors, actually it was nil. I didn’t know anyone. It was Pansy, me and all the other animals that lived in our garden. Variety of birds and small mammals. Pansy had this fetish for bananas. She would literally go bananas over bananas.

Then came Lily, she was a little ball of fur when she arrived. We kind of grew up together. She was the sister I never had. Pansy was a bit jealous of her because my attention was divided. But she was too old for play now. She had become blind and irritated. But before that happened we spent quality time in the garden. The three of us. Lily used to wake me up at exactly 6:30 A.M. every morning. She was my alarm clock. She used to climb on my bed, grab my hand in her jaws and pull me down the bed. She made sure I was in time to catch the school bus. We had to change shift from the bungalow and move into an apartment. Pansy had become completely blind and we had to put her to sleep. She would never have adapted to the new surroundings. I had never felt that sad but I had Lily beside me. We moved into the new house. We had grown together and shared a unique bond. Lily loved halwa and sweets a lot. She was nearing old age when Toffee came. Lily was one of the greatest hunter dogs I have seen. She used to jump and catch sparrows flying 4 feet in the air. She killed rats, squirrels etc. I forgot the number of small animals I rescued from her jaws. Terrfic hunter. It was awesome, such grace. Almost like a big cat.

Before Toffee we had a dog for 20 days. He was pure white in color. I had not named him before someone took it from us. But I have this memory of his tiny teeth biting my hands and feet. He chewed away my slippers, and numerous other items. Actually all dogs do that. My hands were always full of scars caused by those sharp claws and teeth.

Coming back to Toffee. The 1 month old girl was too immature for the mature lady, Lily. It was quite fun watching Toffee trying to force Lily into some play, whereas Lily snapped at her, telling her to sit down quietly. Lily developed cancer in an year and had to be put to sleep. It was me and Toffee. Toffee was the most intelligent dog I had ever seen. You could see the intelligence in her eyes. She could and she would have outsmarted you if you were not careful. Her intelligence was almost human. Like Lily she also waked me up in the morning (I guess Lily taught her that), though her way was a bit different. She used to jump straight on my chest, leaving me breathless early in the morning while simultaneously licking my face.Toffee loved to ply ball, similar to fetch, but in this she fetched a ball instead of a stick. She hated fetching sticks. The way she concetrated on the ball was amazing. Her eyes never left the ball. Though not as good looking as Pansy (who was the most good looking), Toffee had the most beatiful tail. It was thick and long. She was also a bit larger than the other dogs. She was larger then the male German Shepherds in our colony. She had two friends, Blondie (a golden retriever) and Duskey, her daughter. They used to play a lot. Toffee used to go into their house if they didn’t come. If they were in the park, she had to be there. And to think that their first meeting was not a thing to remember. I had to keep a tight grip on Toffee’s leash, she was ready to pounce on Blondie. How it developed into such a deep friendship? I don’t know.
I have already written an obitary for Toffee and won’t go into that detail.

Animals have been part of me ever since I was born. I connect more easily with them than with humans. It may sound weird and some of you may think I am mad but I have had intelligent cinversations with pets and the other animals in my garden. We used to talk. I asked questions, they answered, they asked I answered. We shared jokes, laughed together. Lily was quite witty. I could understand her funny one liners. Toffee had a naughty streak and loved to play pranks. I remeber, once my teacher in my class said that humans are the only animals cpapble of humor and smile. I debated against her and said that I have seen them smile and know their jokes. The whole classed laughed at me and made fun of me. But even today I say I was telling the truth. Look through my eyes and you would know. I joined a horse riding school. The horses are equally intelligent. I used to bring them gud (a sweet made of sugarcane). They used to eat it from my hands. They knew excatly what I was thinking and I could read their thoughts. My relationship with the horses there was just like my relationship with all animals.

After Toffee’s death I have not interacted with a single animal. I am feeling a lonelyness I have never felt before. As if something has been ripped apart. I do my work, go about my daily chore, but I am not happy.

What prompted me to write this post. I was walking back home yesterday, when a small pup came wagging his tail. He accompanied me for 2 minutes before deciding to go to his mom. I felt the happiness I hadn’t felt since Toffee died. The void was filled for those 2 minutes. I felt complete.
Animals have been a part of me since I was born. I realised that whatever I may say. I can not live without them.

I am posting 2 pics of Toffee I have on my PC. I was reading the newspaper on my bed when she decided to join me……….

9 Responses to “…………………………….”
  1. Pallavi says:

    Like I said earlier also, time for you to fill in the void and adopt another one..life is about moving on with memories of those who are not around us physically yet with us forever…

    Do update the blog once you find yourself a new companion! 🙂

  2. donny says:

    i really really liked your post! It was very touching and full of care, towards your pets. I am sure, it must have been tough for u. I do believe about the language and the intelligence of pets !

    P.S – you blog doesnot have a name/url option to comment as ?

  3. Prateek says:

    @Pallavi: Like I told you, I can not buy a pet now.

    @donny: Thanks for your good words. And thanks for pointing it out. I changed the settings.

  4. maxmayur says:

    Oh Dear… I too have a dog who looks similar. I think Toffee was a wonderful dog.

  5. Anonymous says:

    This is bullSHIT… All Lies… You, My friend are a hypocrite… You Sucks Badly…

  6. Panthera Tigris says:

    @Anonymous: Thank you for commenting on my blog. No, your comment didn't hurt me because a person who comments without revealing him/herself is a coward, and I am not bothered by cowards.
    Nice try though.

  7. binit says:

    Feeling bad for toffee.. 😦
    But u cant just stay lost in memories.
    Move on friend.
    Therez so much more to discover..

  8. Panthera Tigris says:

    @Binit: Thanks for the comment. You are right. We should move on.

    P.S. Quite hectic schedule. Unable to write even 5 lines for the blog.

  9. smitzy says:

    I'm really sorry for your loss. Being from army background myself, I've had dogs since childhood and I can totally related to how you feel. They become so much more than "pets". Toffee was beautiful.

    R.I.P Toffee

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