Holi Shit

Indian celebrating Holi festival

Image via Wikipedia

Holi Kab hai? Kab hai holi?…shouts Gabbar Singh while scowling menacingly at the camera and towards the viewers, breaking the fourth wall. The scene shifts to Thakur‘s village where the celebration begins with everyone dancing in tightly choreographed moves, before all hell breaks lose. Along with Karva Chauth, Holi is the most celebrated Hindi movie festival of all times. Think about it, it is the only festival where you can grope about wet bodies and make it look like innocent fun.

Huh…what’s that? Do I hear people shout “Pervert”? Sirs and Madams, I am not going to defend myself against this allegation, but considering that the festival is the result of the same culture that wrote the illustrated book on a thousand ways to release excess libido. And if you really disagree with what I say, please look around and see how it is being played by some.

Now some of the readers may think that I am a sad bastard who doesn’t know how to have fun and will not allow others to play too. Maybe, I am a socio-path. Personally I am not too fond of festive seasons for a simple reason that I have to meet people, I had deliberately ignored and avoided the whole year. And especially if they are those relatives who are more interested in getting me hooked to the life of matrimony than me. Huh, does it hurt you, seeing me happy and free? I have to smile, joke, talk….its a bit of a drag.

The radio stations suddenly remember the collection of Bhojpurish songs, they had thrown into a dusty corner. Some are…say..ok, but most are ear jarring. And they drill you with so much of holi songs that you end up short circuiting the radio by dunking it in coloured water. Or in my case make plans to kidnap the RJ, tie him/her to the chair and make him/her watch Bhojpuri movies for a full week, without intermission.

And then the biggest nuisance about Holi is the colours. 10 minutes into Holi and the face looks like a rainbow gone berserk. And then you spend 4 days trying to remove the strange concoction of colours, while the finger nails remain purple for another week. Frankly, it is a festival meant for snakes. Colour the skin, shed it, get a new one. And If I want to play in the water, I will go to a water park. That makes sense.

As Holi comes near, the whole city is turned into a war zone. Peaceful lanes, are no longer safe. Different people have different ways to play this festival. And depending upon their methods they can be categorised as:

The Hun Riders

The ones you will see the most are teens and sometimes groups of guys in their twenties on vehicles, a two wheeler being the most preferred mode of transport. They have faces coloured, either black or silver, and have a few water balloons handy. As a male member of the specie, I am usually safe from most of the balloon onslaughts by these marauding slingers. They are selective and usually target an hourglass figure and long hair. But their aim is nothing to write anything about.

The Hidden Snipers

But the little ones are a bit different. They don’t differentiate and will take shots at anyone. The Little assassins lurk high above. They see your every move. They have been watching you carefully, observing where you will go. It is a classic game of wits between predator and prey. The prey knows about the danger. The road has wet patches. The direction of the water splatter, gives a fairly accurate idea about where the snipers are. But they remain hidden. The only thing they need to work on is their aim and technique. Because 99 times out of 100, in their haste to find a spot to hide, they mistime and misaim the shot. Hitting either the ground, +/- 5 feet from the target, or bursting the balloon on their own faces.

The Ambush Hunters

A bit similar to the hidden snipers, but they have a larger group which is usually spread over or around a group of houses. One person goes and lures, the victims into the ambush. A classic battle manoeuvre. And the moment the victim enters the zone, the whole gang come out and pelts the victim with balloons, water and colour.

The Viking Warriors

Remaining true to their legendary Viking heritage, these guys are fearless. Roaming around without protection, they seek the thrill of battle. They challenge the Snipers and the Hunters into open battle. Chest held high, they are not afraid to take a hit. Usually they are too high on bhang.

The Kamikazes

They may or may not be fearless, but they don’t retreat. These guys would rather make a suicidal last charge than run away. Successful some times, since some people are left dumbstruck by the sheer stupidity of the action, but not a wise choice many times. As Gen. Patton once said, “no bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor, dumb bastard die for his country”. But I guess these guys never heard it.

The Roman Generals

We, that is my group fell into this category(when I used to play). Snipers and Ambush are battle tactics, but a war is won by careful planning and strategy. We knew that, we understood that. So the weapons were prepared in advance, timings of the attack were co-ordinated and the path of attack was given to each group. Maps were drawn carefully and strategies formulated. New weapons were developed. The most unique weapon ever created was the “Skunk Packet”, to be used against the person you dislike the most.

Recipe for Skunk Packet

  • Take a packet of milk 2 months in advance. Open the top and reseal it, such that the packet can be opened and closed whenever needed. Keep it in a shady cupboard.
  • Add anything…egg, tooth paste, harpic, shampoo, liquid soap, paper, leftover curry, bread……you name it.
  • Keep this going on for till a week before Holi.
  • Let it remain untouched for a week.
  • On the day of Holi, let your enemies taste the revenge you had been brewing.

P.S. Best served cold

Anyway, was talking about the Roman Generals. Yes, planning is the key here. From attack plans to ambush positions to the watery grave where the PoWs are thrown.

Anyway, I will conclude by saying that if you don’t mind getting wet mud on your feet (courtesy the poor aim of the Snipers), don’t mind listening to Amitabh singing “Rang Barse” every 5 minutes, in different beats. If you don’t mind rubbing your skin till you look like the diagram of the Muscular system in any good biology book. An if you don’t mind getting too close with strangers….well this is the festival for you.

As for me….I will say, “No, thank you”, like I have been, since the last 4 years now. But I won’t mind the Bhang though…and bring that plate of Ghujhia along, while you are at it.

36 Responses to “Holi Shit”
  1. pzes says:

    ok.. Holi isn’t sooooo bad!! 🙂 I’ve Holi-ed myself only twice, and it was alright. 🙂

    I’d really like to see these various gangs in action though.. I’d probably be a “hide while you can” Holi player.

    • snowleopard says:

      You haven’t Holi-ed in Delhi. My dear Lola, the city becomes a battleground, and I am not exaggerating when I use that word.
      Ahh…you will be the “Hidden Sniper” Keeping yourself safe and away from harm while hitting others. 🙂

  2. Purbaray says:

    Why o why can’t you turn into Hisss for a day.

    Did a glass of the skunk concoction put you off Holi for an entire lifetime or did someone mistake you for a curvy lass and drench you in colours of love 😀

  3. Kartikay says:

    Haha – loved this post. I’m still recovering from my holi – I think it’ll take a week. And that’s a very conservative estimate!

  4. Deboshree says:

    Ha ha ha that was a hilarious anti-Holi campaign. 😀
    Personally, I am not a Holi person at all. I haven’t played Holi for years and years now and I lock myself in on Holi days. But yes, the gujiya is a great idea… (though I haven’t sampled any bhaang)

  5. Mayur says:

    Patty I hate you for who you are and must confess that it is still very difficult to ignore you. Because I know you will remain the way you are, looking at people and often gnarling about their imperfections… or should I say their inability to be perfect in your eyes.

    Alas! You are my friend. I’d love to bludgeon you with endless colour balloons filled with ‘all you can imagine’ till you say, ‘Give me death General. Id rather die as a Spartan than be painted with the chemical thou hath laid on me.’

    C’mon Patty! Holi should be loved. And you must end the argument here. Thank you! 🙂

  6. Always Happy says:

    🙂 that was a good read. I like your blog

  7. Sapna says:

    ha ha. A very colourful anti-Holi campaign I say!

    Lovely post…. Loved your writing style. Brilliant as always!!! 🙂

  8. zephyr says:

    That was one vehement anti-holi piece. skunk concoction sounds lethal. Did you give it to someone or were you fed it? 🙂

    • snowleopard says:

      It was not something to be drunk.
      The concoction was smeared on a Sikh friends beard. He stunk for a week. I know it was cruel on our part but anyway no one bothered or cared including the friend who faced it’s full power. He used the smell as a weapon till it lasted.

  9. Pooja says:

    ROFL.. I’ve had a few (mis)adventures myself during Holi, and have given up.. My friends call me ‘chicken’, but who cares. At least I don’t look like a retarded clown the next day.

    I saw this girl in the train, the day after Holi. She was GREEN from top to toe. Plus she had ample sense to wear a green suit :P.. Why would anyone want to subject themselves to this I have no idea. Green? Really? Eeeewww..

  10. dubugu says:

    The title is what got me read into this, originally came here from Cyber Nag.. but a good post, never played holi though watched from a distance. This year, our neighbor’s boy’s face was swollen due to the colors sprayed, and they were scrambling to reach the doctor ASAP. Always liked the idea, but never the execution of it.. in true sense Holy (Holi) shit !!

  11. Deepa says:

    Ha! ha! I did a post on Holi too. But you’ve said it SO much better than me!!

  12. I agree. They should probably do away with all festivals for a while. And Holi is the wrist of all. Drunk idiots groping women. And the women are stupid too. Grinning and laughing as they are groped. Sad.

  13. damn i meant *worst…..sorry for the typo.

  14. snowleopard says:

    Reblogged this on Snow Leopard's Blog and commented:

    A “Holi” post I had written last season. Re-plugging it

  15. Ruchira says:

    Finally !!! I find a kindred soul ! I am not too fond of holi too ! I hate the plastering of colours and the (ahem!) so called innocent groping and the drunk driving ! believe me I’ve seen it all in JNU !
    I don’t mind the Gujiyas though !
    Am sharing this on FB !

  16. BhavanaDiary says:

    Goodness, I never been in Delhi during this time. I cannot see why people should throwing colors on complete strangers for no reason. Silly, it sounds!
    Burning “ananga” – Kamadeva for the purpose of spreading love is enough, i suppose 🙂 which is the actual reason for holi, isnt it?
    By the way, amazing write up.
    I am not able to stop laughing…goodness.. uff..

  17. Loved this post. We were really decent!! Used fresh eggs, turmeric, mud, tea leaves boiled to black, beer etc.

  18. reekycoleslaw says:

    Happy Holi to you too! So, are you going to maintain your record of not letting a rainbow go berserk on your face this year as well? 🙂

  19. Rachna says:

    I hated Holi in the North. Yes, a free for all grope session and disgusting paints have killed the festival. Loved it in my childhood though. These days living in the South makes holi celebration more decent and fun. Yet there are some disgusting men and women who still don’t want to miss a chance. And someone save me from the done to death Holi songs on the radio. Happy Holi btw :).

  20. alkagurha says:

    Missed this one. But you are so right about bhojpuri songs. In our apartment , it was Yo Yo all the way. Yes, rain dance too.

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