Bombay High Court Sentences Ajmal Kasab to Death By High Cholesterol

Photograph of Ajmal Kasab, one of the ten terr...

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Nov 2011, Mumbai, India: Ajaml Kasab, the terrorist caught during the Mumbai attack in 2008 has been sentenced to “Death by high cholesterol” In a unique dispensing of justice, the Bombay Court has ordered that Kasab be served the greasiest foods including the choicest mutton dishes like Biriyani and Keema with butter Naans, till his arteries get clogged due to the excess fatty acids and he dies of either a stroke or a heart attack.

Dhaba owners across the country have been given specific orders on the type and quantity of food. Dr. ABC who will be supervising the process talked to us, “His crime was the rarest of the rare and so the punishment too had to be rare. At the kitchen complex specially made for Kasab, we are making sure that the dishes are prepared hygienically and are of the highest standards. For this we also have a few people whose job is to taste the food before it goes to Kasab” On being asked about it he said “Kasab has been sentenced to death by Clogged Arteries, not Diarrhea.”

But many are unhappy with this judgment. Human Rights activists claim that a human being has the right to choice, and sentencing a person to a daily diet of Biriyani and Keema Naan is the most cruel thing ever imaginable. Ms. PQR, the president of Human Rights Department said, “Would our judges enjoy it if we give them the same food for the rest of their lives? This is disregard for human rights. We demand that the variety be increased and it should include various other cuisines. And what if he suffers from Colon cancer before the effects of high cholesterol set in?”

PETA activists, were also seen out side the Court protesting against the judgment. They claim that “instead of slaughtering lambs and goats, the same effect can be obtained by serving cottage cheese and peanut butter.”

Last heard, the lawyers of Ajmal Kasab are planning to move the Supreme Court and send a plea to the President after Kasab complained of an upset stomach caused by the rich food. Ms PQR was quick to pounce on it, “This is the type of neglect of human rights, I was afraid of. As a democracy, where are we heading to? They should have provided the poor man with at least a Hajmola if not something else.” Kasab’s lawyer said,”My client has been suffering from an upset stomach because of the rich food. We also demand that the amount of roughage be increased in his diet to facilitate proper bowel movement and prevent constipation. Moreover too much masala is being used. My client is not fond of fiery food and we have requested that the use of spices be mild.” Mr. Singh the President of the All India Dhaba Owners Association dismissed the claims of the lawer and said that “the spices are just correct and if he thinks he is a better cook then why doesn’t he register for this season of India’s Top Chef and we will end this discussion there.”

It seems the victims of the attack will have to wait for some more time as the endless debate on Death Penalty, Human Rights and the correct amount of spices in a Mutton Biriyani continues.

23 Responses to “Bombay High Court Sentences Ajmal Kasab to Death By High Cholesterol”
  1. Zephyr says:

    That was a brilliant piece Prateek. I am afraid, that given the royal treatment he is getting, the idea might be taken literally by the powers that be to step up the hospitality. 😦

  2. Writerzblock says:

    Ha ha, that was awesome!!!! Infact, it seems quite likely that this will actually happen, too!!

  3. mad conventie says:

    Much needed humour on this dark dark anniversary , And what about other activist who will say all this food can be fed to the hungry impoverished masses , but I agree with you , Desperate times call for desperate measures .For mid morning snack double fried samosa , triple fries bread pakora , fourtimes fried jalebis in deshi ghee . Evening snack options wada paav both fried , Fried fried pav bhaji ( that is what you get Kasab for doing this to Mumbai ), double fried bombay duck , triple fried full fat paneer pakodas and bedtime milk 100 percent fat . Let us get it over with asaap . BUt, Hush Hush this is classified info Snow Leopard there should be no time to recognise and treat symptoms of Coronary Heart Disease , can you imagine what the Human Rights activists will do the minute bhai starts complaining of angina they will demand immediate lipid profile , ECGS ,. I t has to be instant before one can say CPR or aspirin .

  4. Purbaray says:

    But I loved this spicy post and diarrhea be damned!

    Sharing it on twitter.

  5. Kartikay says:

    Death by Chocolate can take a whole new meaning! Mr. Leopard, this was just awesome!

  6. Pzes says:

    Lets give the Government something to chew on. They don’t seem to be doing much else anyway. Epic SL, Epic

  7. Mayank says:

    You dont leave anyone – the PETAs, The HR activists, the Judges and even the masterchef. Loved the post SL .Keep it up. Retweeting.

  8. Sindhura says:

    This is awesome!!! Sarcasm at its best!! I have shared this link on FB 🙂

  9. Deboshree says:

    Ha ha ha… this is priceless. You have a thing for sarcasm.
    I hope Masterchef doesn’t butt in to help.

  10. KayEm says:

    Couldn’t help guffawing. Still, as you rightly pointed out, justice for the brainwashed “person’s” victims seems as illusive as the snow leopard. The victims’ families should be able to feel some kind of closure.

  11. Kunal says:

    Haha… Funny take on a serious issue…You should send this article to Faking News! 😀

  12. aabhaas singhal says:

    i can’t stand him living anymore … he should be give the most painful death and shown to ppl …

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