Protesting Made Easy
TIME magazine named The Protester person of the year 2011. Though we have had people coming out on streets, to express their disapproval in the most irrational manners, since the day we first discovered rational thinking; it was in 2011 when it truly achieved it’s peak. Not remaining confined to a country or a region, the fire of demonstrative expression spread farther and quicker than a leaked pornographic clip, till it had engulfed most of the world. They protested in Egypt, they expressed themselves in the US of A. The Arabs had a spring, Europe did it in Winter, whereas India did it throughout the year. They fasted against corruption, they threw stones at an oppressive regime. They took up arms against the dictator, and a section rose up against the protesters.
It was the right to freedom of expression at play. The people power was a force to be reckoned with and the Governments were learning it first hand.
But in between the constant turmoil, one couldn’t help but notice that we as a Nation just love protesting. Whether we understand the reason behind the protests or not, but the urge to hurl an abuse or light a bus on fire, while remaining behind a veil of anonymity inside a mob, is the strongest amongst our people. And our obsession has come to the point, where no one knows what word might spark a series of rallies on the streets or over the social networking sites or both.
But though protesting is the second most popular hobby of Indians (after pissing and spitting on the roads), there are still times when you feel “alone”. A protest can not be successful without a mob, and getting one is not a problem, but ask yourself – Can you really trust people you don’t know? You have a protest at hand and have been able to collect a few dozen men with you. You planned it beautifully; A self-immolation followed by a few hours of stone throwing, car windscreen smashing and a show of steady resilience against a torrent of high pressure water, while chanting slogans all the time. But they all scatter like dry leaves in wind, with the arrival of a stick wielding battalion Riot Police and a few shots of tear gas.
What you need is someone who understands your need and will stick with you through lathi charge and mass arrests. Who you need, is a professional.
The “Hai Hai Company”. In January 2012, a group of Entrepreneurs on Twitter saw the need for professional protesters. They saw the lapses in the current method and decided to structure it properly. And thus, was conceived the idea to create a one stop shop for all your protesting needs. We are the first ISO-9001 certified company in this category.
Statistics show that the number of protests are on a rise.
Supply and demand is a simple concept of Economics. The number of protests increase, the number of people available will decrease. A protest host, would be the laughing-stock of town if only a handful of people turned up at a rally. Though our population growth is on a rise, still studies prove that we won’t be able to cope up with the demands of a random protest.
A a protest organizer, you would not be very happy if a group of peaceful marchers come to a sword wielding horde or vice versa. Till now this was a big headache because of poor management and disorganised protester groups. But now the “Hai Hai Company” has brought them all under one banner. We have taken the age-old profession of protesting and have organised it properly, so that it now stand shoulder to shoulder with the other more respected jobs.
A personal planner and counsellor would be provided to all our customers. Our expert planner will guide you through all the phases of organising a proper protest. We offer a variety of deals that tailor-made for your needs. Our deals include but are not limited to (all rates are per person per day, unless specified):
- Candle light protesters are available at Rs 50. With a minimum of 50 and maximum of 2000 protesters.
- Groups of slogan shouters with a minimum of 50 and a maximum of 10000 people. The groups are available in multiples of 50. At the rate of Rs 100 and a quarter of Rum. Rs 200 if you also want them to go on a rampage. Note: Effigies will cost extra
- Gangs of Stone Throwers are available in batches of 10. And you can choose a maximum of 10 batches. The rate is Rs. 2500 per batch and 2 bottles of desi tharra
- Molotov Cocktail throwers and arsonists in batches of 5 costing Rs 5000 per batch. The price includes 5 cocktails. After that each cocktail will cost Rs 300.
- Religious Zealots are available. The price varies with demand. Beat the Valentines Day rush, make an advanced booking and at cheaper rates. Offer valid till stock lasts.
Besides the regular deals, the customers also have the option to make their own mob. Our selection includes killers, mob motivators, rapists, rioters, hate mongers, inflammatory speech makers etc
So what are you waiting for? Pick up that phone and dial us at the toll-free number 1800-I-RIOT. Or shoot us a mail at email@example.com for more enquiries and to make an appointment.
Do you love to shout slogans till your throat is hoarse? Does breaking barricades give you a sense of freedom? Is there a successful protester in you?
If the answer to the questions above is ‘Yes’, then your wait for your dream job is over. For long Protesting was not seen as a real job and protesters found it hard to make ends meet. But now no more. Fill up the form or send a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org along with your CV.
Currently we are looking for freelancers. As a member of the “Hai Hai Company”:
- You will have the benefit of working for a reputed firm
- A handsome salary based on the project and type of work.
- Good insurance policy.
- You will travel a lot and will have to be available for both online and field work
- A good retirement policy and a guaranteed after retirement job with a political party.
Grab this once in a lifetime opportunity with both hands. A beautiful career awaits, the question is, Do You Have It In You?
For those who get a different image in their head when they hear the words Hai Hai, here is a music video of The Original Song of Protest:
PS: This post is a product of a small twitter exchange I had with Auntius Purbus, who gets the credit for naming the company. And we were later joined by Karthikay Sahay who put in a few points and suggestions, none of which I have used in this post.