Rahul’s Baba Log
From the secret diary of Shri Rahul Gandhi Ji
Just managed to get away from those vultures. Always swooping around with their cameras and stuff, on the lookout for a quite byte. They are so irritating. And they dared ask me the reason for the failure in UP! Failure? Bah! Don’t they know, I am a Gandhi scion and I cannot fail. They may write anything about me now, but wait till I become the Prime Minister in 2014. I will do what Grandma had done, and shove all their fancy pens right up their ass.
The election results do prove the point that I have been discussing with Kapil Sibal Uncle since a long time. The people of this country are stupid. They don’t know what to do and can be easily swept away. It is just like the reality shows, where the talented ones don’t get enough SMS votes. But Akhilesh? Seriously? He looks more like that Ramu Bhaiyya who delivers fresh milk everyday to our bungalow in Delhi. I just love the Bournvita drink that Momma makes for me.
But coming back to the point, Diggy Uncle says that it is not a failure as these press scribes have described. He says, I was able to get rid of that hideous Elephant-wali Aunty. She was very mean and did not even give me a ride on her pachyderm. I had to travel all the way on a Motorcycle that had no resemblance to the GI-Joe ones I am playing with right now.
Plus people turned up in huge numbers wherever I went. They love me, they love listening to me. Some even tried to touch my feet. The Kurtas were good in that heat, but I wasn’t really sure about the beard. But it was Momma‘s idea and she said that I looked like a cute little young Santa. But the glue gave me a rash and it hurts when I take it off, when going for a bath. But I cannot say no to Momma.
I did enjoy the drama workshops though. They were fun. Especially when we enacted the CID play at the Fertilizer plant in Mauranipur. Even Varun was impressed. Then there was the Bhatta Parsaul murder mystery I solved. Just like the kids in Champak stories do. And Robert Simonds called me to ask whether I would be interested to play the role of Chief Inspector Jacques Clouseau. But I had to decline his generous offer.
But the best performance that I gave according to me, was at the stage play we performed in Lukhnow. I had this long monologue where I had to show a wide range of emotions. And it ended
with a dramatic tearing of a paper. It was called some Rally something and I think it is a work of Shakespeare, but I am really not sure.
To be frank I was never interested in this election thing. It was more about the food. I had heard stories of the amazing Kebabs you get in Lukhnow. But then again, that Haathi-wali Aunty. Are females even allowed to become Mahouts? Must ask Diggy Uncle later, he has all the answers. And is he full of stories? He makes new stories at the spur of the moment. And the best part is, I get to be the hero each time. But he is not very good with names though. Somehow, in every story, the evil Dragon ravaging the land is called RSS.
But I digress again. Anyway, I had come across this book that Great Grandpa had authored. It was titled “The Discovery of India.” I flipped through it. Not very interesting. Hardly any photos and all in sepia tone. Sibal Uncle said it is a good read. But meh! tl;dr (Too long, didn’t read). But I was watching “Highway on my Plate” last year, when I got this idea to do my own discovery of India and do it in a way Rocky and Mayur do. I asked Priyanka but that Vadra guy tagged along too. He is such a chipku, but I think he likes sis. I love teasing her. Thus began our UP trip.
And once I will agree with the media. It was a failure in the sense, that the food was bloody terrible. And I don’t even want to say anything about the accommodation. They have no idea about how a star hotel works. Must ask Momma to open a few Hotel Management Institutions in this state. The room service was terrible everywhere, and god the mosquitoes. No wonder people are begging for jobs in Mumbai. Plus, I am not too keen about sharing space with farm animals. It is nice that these hotels get fresh Eggs and Milk, but there should be a proper shed for the animals. And no room had an attached Bathroom. But I must say, the taps are innovative. They have these huge bent pipe things and you have to move a lever up and down to get water. So you can do your morning exercises along with the other bathroom stuff. Multitasking at it’s best.
Oops! It is past bed time. I have to sign off now. Quattrocchi Uncle had bought me this book on
his last trip. I still have to colour 5 pages. Can’t seem to find the saffron colour from my crayon box. It must be Varun again, he keeps pestering me. Momma says that I have to set an example for this election debacle. I am really not interested but duty calls. I will just name a few and I expect them to fall on their swords later in the day. As momma would say, just like the Caesars.