Love Shove and all that Shit

Disclaimer: I am not drunk, neither am I under the influence of any drugs or chemicals. No one has threatened me to write this post and aliens have not brainwashed me. I am not delirious and am not suffering from any known mental illness (but I could be suffering from one that has not been discovered yet….I am really not sure). I am in my complete senses as I write this post and this may not be produced in the Court of Law as evidence. And to this I sign my name. Signed……….14th February 2013, New Delhi.
Statutory Warning: I have no idea what I am writing. It has an abrupt beginning and an even abrupt ending. I cannot be held responsible if you end up breaking your head.

Ok…Cupid is a mentally deranged psychopath. The proof is in this photograph I happen to stumble upon while roaming the vast badlands of the World Wide Web.


This is what happens when little kids get access to weapons and small wing shaped jet packs. Parents need to be more careful and this is why gun control is needed. But yeah….14th February, the guy has a license to kill. I have no idea why he still chooses the bow and arrow as his weapon of choice though. A crossbow is far more accurate and easy to load for God’s sake. And do not get me started on the new generation weapons that the modern age can be proud of. And they are not too costly either; you can get cheap fakes at throw-away prices. I do hope that dear old cupid invest on a better weapon. Since, I am not too sure about the accuracy of his current one. I mean….yeah…he has a lot of practice, but still….you know, he is bound to hit the wrong target, now and then.

Now the important question to ask is why am I writing on this day, about love. Apparently, the good people at some research institute that is funded by the Times of India had a lot of free time at hand. And in that free time they researched, observed and concluded that Men are three times more likely to celebrate Valentine’s day and are prone to unexplainable stupidity on this day. And since the TOI is the “most read” newspaper in the country, I did not want to prove them wrong.

I am not too fond of February but still I look forward to this month. It is the best of times and it is the worst of times ……and all that blah. There is too much mush for me to handle, but that same mush gives me a lot of fodder for my status updates. And no, this post has not been sponsored by any Khap Panchayat. I personally feel that this day (like most other days) was created by the card companies. And the holiday starved West lapped it up. If you think about it, we Indians do not need a day to celebrate love. We have Holi if by any chance you wanted to grope someone. But, looking at the size of the population, I would say we need a few days to celebrate celibacy. I am not going to side with the religious zealots either. Let people do what they want to as long as they are not in my way – has always been my motto. But dude really….Central Park of all the damn places? Plus, keep it to yourself. All that public display on Facebook walls may be cute for you, but it might cause nausea and in extreme cases stroke in some who happen to view it all unfold on their walls.

A month or so ago, I had an opportunity to perform a skit in class. I shall digress to tell everyone that I am doing my Post Graduate Diploma in Management….Yay! B-School!….. Coming back to the point, our topic was and you guessed it right – Love. In the 15 minutes we had, we did try to portray how different people might interpret love. So, how exactly do different people interpret love? The latest issue of India Today says that modern Indian relationship is more about no strings attached sex. But, they have been taking out similar issues since a long time now. Sometimes, I wonder whether I am living in the same country as their reporters.

Because it will generate more views than the actuall article

Because it will generate more views than the actual article

Love as I have said above has different meanings for different people. For scientist, it is a set of chemical reactions in the human mind. For the Moral Police it is a mortal sin. For Yash Raj Chopra it meant box office profits. For a sculptor it is a work of art. For Sunny Leone it is slow sex. For the spiritual it is inside. For the foodie it is whats inside. For Congress it is sycophancy. For Shiv Sena it is an outrage. For the tourists it is the Taj Mahal. For Muhammad Azam Khan, the Taj Mahal is a waste of money. For the Prime Minister……thik hai? For Ms. Arundhati Roy, it is writing a 95000 word essay on what all is wrong in this country.  

Times change and methods change. While the previous writers described love in a different way….the modern writers have their own take. And then there are writers like Durujoy Dutta and Ravinder Singh and the likes. I happened to read the first two pages of one such masterpiece. Let me just say, that there is a fine line that separates love from lust. And Mr. Singh put on a jet pack and flew over that line after writing the first paragraph. And then there are the Love Commandos. It is sad to think that the country which prides itself for giving the world – the greatest Erection for love and the first illustrated sex manual, has become so intolerant of the same that a bunch of people had to come together to form a group to save it. Here, I shall pause and give you some time to soak in the irony and think deep about how insignificant we are with respect to the vastness of the universe.

People can and do fall in love at different times of their life. Fairy tales end up with a banal “happily ever after” ending…but, yeah right. It could be forever, I am not denying that. But, happily seems to be asking for too much. As, I was saying, people fall in love with different things at different times – The students at SRCC fell in love with Narendra Modi. Manish Tiwari fell in love with making daft statements. Iran fell in love with Nuclear weapons. And Nitish Gadkari……well…he just fell.

Love is a strange emotion if I am allowed to call it that. It turns perfectly normal rational beings into bumbling fools.  Those who usually dazzle with their eloquent tongue, end up stuttering and stammering in an incomprehensible language. Some find a high in love. Some display it publicly. Some indulge in secret rendezvous. And a few like me prefer to keep silent.

Go spread some cheer this Valentine’s Day. We could do with some in this age and time. No matter how much I hate the commercialization of an emotion, I will defend to death your rights to celebrate it. But yeah……ummm…..can you find a better spot 


than that park bench? And those heart shaped, red coloured bling gifts are too flashy and hurt the eye.

As for me……..Bartender! An empty glass and bottle of scotch, please!


P.S. If you tag me on Facebook in a glittering picture of a pink heart with about a hundred other people….I will find you and I will kill you.
10 Responses to “Love Shove and all that Shit”
  1. Such a poetic ode to Love could only have been possible during extended Happy Hours at the local maikhana!
    And I am quite concerned about the SL picture…why is she so itchy in this one? Can’t take my eyes off.

  2. V-Day is a successful creation of Card companies ~ I agree and endorse…and good thinking on putting miss leone in da post, she’s red hot and will garner lots of hits!!

  3. metherebel says:

    Mr.Leopard you have a fan in me! This was brilliant.

    /*Sometimes, I wonder whether I am living in the same country as their reporters.*/ – I have felt the same too 🙂

  4. Mere mukh ke baat cheen li…not, the rice wala baat. Aptly written.

  5. A bit haphazard(but you already warned us about that) but true, apt and, goes without saying, with a cool sarcasm.
    Loved the last bit, enough with spreading love, as it’s almost always distorted out of shape, and comes with hatred as a collateral, lets spread some cheer 🙂

    Enjoy your scotch 🙂

  6. Rachna says:

    “Go spread some cheer this Valentine’s Day. We could do with some in this age and time. No matter how much I hate the commercialization of an emotion, I will defend to death your rights to celebrate it. But yeah……ummm…..can you find a better spot than that park bench? And those heart shaped, red coloured bling gifts are too flashy and hurt the eye.” Brilliantly put! Absolutely my credo! Cheers to you too.

  7. Amit says:

    There is a whole industry set up on the emotion now. It is too late! Too late! What is your problem with the poor Chinese anyways?

  8. purbaray says:

    And how the mighty crumble when they fall in love. As a wise man had once said – There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.

  9. anuglyhead says:

    Hahahahah man how I hate those sentimental facebook messages that couples tag each other in for the misery of the rest of their facebook peeps. Like they dont have a phone. TOO much I say!

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