OddBall Exercise Equipments

Posted by snowleopard on July 30, 2011 · 5 Comments 

Since the advent of the Industrial Revolution, humans have been on a constant quest to reduce any effort their muscles may be making. Darwin had observed that each living organism undergoes constant, extremely slow evolution which becomes visible over a thousand years. But the over-reliance on machines, fast forwarded our physical evolution from muscular to a blob of fat on the couch. To combat this, humans rediscovered exercise. But, alas, in the age when time is measured in nanoseconds, not many felt the inclination or the desire to get their lazy asses off the chair and sweat for an hour or so.

Laziness is the mother of all inventions and/or innovations. And to prove it right, the genius inventors and/or innovators of this age went on to create equipments that help reduce the time spent on exercising. Search the Internet for Odd-ball exercise equipments, and you will be bombarded with them. Here is a list of those that suck the most:

Wait a second ma. Can't you see I am exercising? And no it is not dumb. You are not cool enough.

Dumbell Phone

Odd-ball-ness:

It is basically a 4.5 kg attachment for your phone. The idea is simple; each time you pick the phone, you will be lifting a weight of 4.5 kg. Think of a sleek phone, which would slip easily into your jean’s pocket, without making an awkward bulge…..now. attaché a freaking dumbbell to it.

The makers say, that each time you decide to call someone or vice versa, you exercise your arms. And there is even a special attachment for the iPhone which is 4 times costlier than the regular one and you cannot use it or upgrade it from anywhere else. Reminds you of the era when a mobile phone was bigger than a copy of “War and Peace”

Why It Fails:

Maybe it is fine for the extremely busy office clerk we see in movies. But besides that, most people prefer blue tooth head sets. Even if they did decide to use it, the scope for exercise is limited. You only lift the weight once, with the muscles of one arm (unless you are a Smurf, then you use your whole body) and remain stationary for some time with it. Seriously, thinking about it, burns more calories

Hannibal Rising - Part 2

Facial Flex

Odd-ball-ness:

This apparently will A) Sculpt your jaw line B) Make you look younger. It is a dental device to tone your muscles. Sounds good, you say.

Young Willy Wonka with an earlier protoype. He went on to have the sculpted cheeks of Johnny Depp

Wait till you see the design. Kind of reminds you of all the horrible facial contraptions you have seen in the Saw series or other Psycho-Gore-Thriller or the latest Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Why It Fails:

Actually the thing might actually work towards strengthening the jaw muscles, if and only if you are comfortable looking like Hannibal Lector‘s younger cousin.

Many of you will have a simple query; Why the hell can’t I just chew on some gum? And according to the makers; No you can’t, because, Screw You!

As someone in the comment section on the you tube video said “My Goldfish are getting turned on”

The product has some side effects

Rejuvenique

Odd-Ball-ness:

Are the expensive Botox shots burning a hole in your purse? Say Hello to the facial mask called Rejuvenique. This, as you can see is a mask, with electrodes, that shock your face at

Sometimes the electric shocks can fuck up your neurons and you end up being a smart ass

various points. Who would’ve thought Jason Vorhees would inspire a facial exercising mask. And as V will tell you, it also inspires you to speak amazingly long monologues while introducing yourself, which apparently no one understands.

Why It Fails:

Seriously, this looks more like a small scaled, face only model of an Iron Maiden. A facial mask with electrodes that shock you? Best used as a torture equipment. And lets not talk about the involuntary muscle twitch that its prolonged use can cause.

You can do bloody anything on the chair. And I mean ANYTHING

Hawaii Chair

Odd-Ball-ness:

This is a chair. A normal looking chair. Till you switch it on. And then it will make your butt do the Hula. In the infomercial the makers say, that you can do anything, while working it. You can work, eat your food, maybe poop, and the chair will exercise your abdomen and derrière, without you even noticing or feeling anything.

Why It Fails:

Tell me why it works. If a machine throwing us around was the only exercise we needed then the theme parks should be renamed health spas. And what was that thing about doing anything and not noticing anything, again. Imagine going to the Tax Department to file your returns and you find the clerk there, swaying around merrily on a wobbling chair. Or imagine the judge in a courtroom, exercising while hearing an important case.

Try sitting and working on one of these contraptions for a day. If you can, then I will be your personal slave for life. Considering you don’t get electrocuted first.

Even Kaley Cuoco uses it

Shake Weight

Odd-Ball-ness:

It is a strangely shaped dumbbell, which weights fitter to springs. They oscillate. And as the name suggests, you have to shake the weights. And in a rather awkward manner.

It claims that a 6 minute session with this is equivalent to an hour worth of iron pumping. Each range of motion is guaranteed to raise an eyebrow. And the first infomercial that said “Specially designed for Women and asked them to tone their arms” didn’t help either

And then came the “bigger and heavier” version for Men and which kicks butt the harder you shake it…..well I have no words for it. The eyebrows just touched escape velocity.

Why It Fails:

Here is a dare for anyone who wishes to use this product :- Try to make it not look dirty.

That is the Reverse Cowgirl

iGallop

Odd-Ball-ness:

No, not another apple product. Horse Riding, the makers say, is a good exercise, but everyone can’t get a horse. So instead of you going to the horse, the horse (mechanical one here) comes to you. It is something you might have seen at various places. Bring back your childhood memories and order the spring rider for adults. And maybe, they will come up with the rodeo bull version next. Oh wait, that is already available and they have the decency to not market it as an exercise equipment.

Why It Fails:

Try and not make fun of it. Each time I see the video I cannot help but imagine a shake weight in the hands of the models. That would really complete the picture.

Just for some extra kicks, I am pasting 4 more videos. Just because I can.

Filed under Humour · Tagged with Dumbbell Phone, Exercise Equipments, Facial, Facial Flex, Fitness, Hawaii Chair, iGallop, Industrial Revolution, iPhone, Johnny Depp, Muscle, Odd exercise equipments, Physical exercise, Rejuvenique, Shake Weight, Weight loss