The Year That Was

It is that time of the year again, when we wait for some brand to gift a 2015 calendar so that the previous years one can be either sold to the kabaadi waala for a few extra buck; or its large sheets used as covers. It is also the time of the year when a large set of the population will make promises to themselves in an inebriated state, brought on by the drunken revelry which is much appreciated this time of the year.

This year saw the 16th season of the world’s biggest reality show, also known as The Indian General Elections. Looking at the trends on Twitter, it was clear that while Modi was speeding ahead in his Jet Ski, Rahul Gandhi had lost the oars to his Gondola. Narrated by media stalwarts such as Arnab Goswami, it eclipsed everything. From Social Media debates to Chai pe Charcha, everyone was talking about it everywhere. In the end, Modi waved while Gandhi caved.

Talking of Social Media, it has been a revelation in many ways. If 2013 was the year of Whistle blowers and 2012 of revolutions, 2014 was the year of leaked nudes. Many a teenaged fantasies came true, as the iCloud accounts of a number of stars were hacked. Some were writing on forums to make the hacker a saint while others cried foul when his name was not mentioned in this years list of Nobel Peace prize winners. But one thing was sure, they were all typing with one hand.

An attempt was made to break the internet by Kim Kardashian who ended up becoming the butt of all jokes. Her well oiled derrière provided a welcome relief for Rahul Gandhi, since for a few days even the Indian social media made fun of someone else. If sources are to be believed, he sent her a carton of special Made in Amethi Sarson ka Tel. Her buns were approved by none other than Nicky Minaj who wrote a new thesaurus especially for words that describe the male genitalia. Both were successful in making asses of themselves with their asinine behaviour.

Another Kim who was in the news is a chubby young chap from a “fictitious” country called North Korea. Who would have thought that all the Oscar Wilde novels and Monty Python skits will one day combine together and form a country. But I must give it to him, that man is awesome. He is the first one to understand the importance of making pot free in order to rule the world. A revolt in North Korea (if it happens) would end up something like this –

“Suup, brah!”
“These elections are rigged man”
“Totally doood….there are more options at a shop selling Boiled eggs”
*smoke* *coughs* *coughs* *smoke*
“That is so deep man”
“Hey! Pass the joint you two!”

Rockstar Modi, as the media called him was on a world tour. He mesmerised the world from America to Australia. And in-between he threw quotes from Star Wars while Hugh Jackman stood behind juggling his Micromax phones. He was India’s answer to the Rolling Stones except that instead of cocaine, motichoor laddos were being distributed at his concerts.

Twitter makes celebrities of strange things and people. Alok Nath emerged as the Adarsh Bauji in all his sanskaari glory. And Alia Bhatt successfully made a mockery of her own mockery. But it was Deepika’s cleavage that took the crown. A juvenile remark on her dress, that proved that Times of India is hiring horny 13 year olds as interns to manage their Twitter account was condemned by one and all. And a befitting reply from Miss Padukone herself ensured that Team TOI was left hanging its head in shame…..or maybe not…because they came back with a rather stupid explanation. With that, TOI successfully cemented its position as the KRK of Indian media.

Movies have always had a strange impact on the Indian masses. We are crazy about movies. And big names draw big crowd. Happy New Year, Holiday etc all made crores in triple digits. I have no comments here. You may take a few minutes to ponder about your purpose in this universe, the meaning of life and Melody itni chocolate kyun hai.

Moving on to politics again. Politicians are the best thing that can happen to any country. They provide the best entertainment ever. They are the reason why so many satirists are able to earn their daily bread. They are the reason 24×7 news entertainment channels like India TV and Aaj Tak were started. Well, they and the female snake that haunts her mate’s killers. But I digress. Samajwadi Party ensured that UP was always in news for being a parody of a functional state. If Azam Khan’s buffaloes made the news, he wasn’t far behind with his foot in his mouth. Mulayam Singh Yadav wailed about the plight of the misunderstood rapists of the country.

It is a wonder no one has diagnosed Mamata Banerjee with acute paranoia. Digvijay Singh and Manish Tiwary made headlines with quotations worthy of the next issue of Khushwant Singh’s Joke Book (may his legacy live forever in the Indian Railway Station book stalls).

After Modi, the biggest name in the Indian political circus was Arvind Kejriwal –
Hallowed be thy name.
The elections come, thy will be done (for 49 days at least).
In the Government bungalows, as it is on the streets of Jantar Mantar.
Give us this day our election sops
And forgive us our Water Bills
As we forget our Electricity Bills.

If you are in Delhi and if you have switched on the radio in the last month or so, then you know that there are only three things that you can hear – 1. Arvind Kejriwal 2. Yo Yo Honey Singh 3. Properties in Greater Noida. And if that was not enough, the Muffler Man took over Social Media and trended for more days than the wait for Baby’s trailer. Finally, we have a true blue Indian superhero, fighting against the corrupt, whose only nemesis is a good cough syrup.

ISRO sent an orbiter to Mars. There are talks about the God Particle. But there was one elusive particle that the Indian political fraternity was after – Black Money. It was the Holy Grail, the Fountain of Youth. A single idea that brought down a family and put new players on the pedestal. There is a map, there is a list…everyone knows it is there, but no one knows where. Maybe Mr Ashwin Sanghi will use it as a background for his next thriller.

RaGa’s downfall brought many other Babas to the fore. Baba Rampal of Satlok ashram was living the life of an 80s and early 90s Hindi movie. There would have been no surprise, if he referred to himself as Dr Dang or Mogambo when alone. Another Baba, Saint Gurmeet Ram Rahim Singh Ji Insan went a step further and has written, is directing, producing and acting in a movie titled “MSG – The Messenger of God”. The movie is described as a “Contemporary Reality with Suspense and High Drama”. This movie deserves a full post on its own. Till then. here is a song from the upcoming blockbuster……and no that is not Sunny Deol’s cousin for Canada.

Finally, as I end this rather long winded post, let me give you another exciting news. I was listening to a radio channel, and apparently Sunny Leone’s Baby Doll was voted there as the hottest song of the year. You may die in peace now.

Also – Happy New Year 2015

One Response to “The Year That Was”
  1. alkagurha says:

    The last line….:)
    Yeah, what a year. I don’t think much about the new year because everyday is a new beginning. Plus different cultures have different calendars.
    Wish u and your family a happy new year.

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