Indian Roads: A Biodiversity Hotspot – Part 2

Posted by snowleopard on May 16, 2012 · 8 Comments 

Wrote this post for The NRI. Click here to read it there – http://www.the-nri.com/index.php/2012/05/indian-roads-a-biodiversity-hotspot-part-2/

After the success of Indian Roads: A Biodiversity Hotspot, I decided to write a second volume. Readers of the previous article offered their suggestions on the species that I had missed. In this issue I have tried to include some of them.

1. Mobilus Mobilium (Tweety Bird): You are in a hurry when suddenly you spot a slow moving car in front of you. You honk to get way but to no avail. You are flabbergasted since the road in front is as empty as Arjun Rampal’s facial expressions. You swear at the driver but the car doesn’t budge even an inch. Congratulations, you just spotted a Mobilus Mobilium. The physical characteristics of this species is that it has a hand and an ear attached to each other with a mobile phone acting as an adhesive. With the other hand, casually placed on the driving wheel, they are in their own world; oblivious to the happenings around them.
2. Terroristus Clothedendum (Touch Me Nots): The most unique feature of this species is that there are no males. And the
   

   Guess who? Photo Credit – http://flickrhivemind.net/Tags/rajkot/Interesting

   second most unique feature is that every individual has a scooter with automatic gear shift. Covered from head to toe by layers of clothing and a thick pair of sunglasses that is as large as her face, this specie thus shows the sun the middle finger. Or maybe they are vampires and this is their way to escape the sun and still be out. Or they are a race of aliens who are trying to take over the world. Or the serum in Invisible Man was real and somehow these ladies got their hands on it. Or the 1001 Arabian Nights had a huge impact on their imagination. Or…………….

3. Scooterus Circus (The Swinging Monkeys): There is no specie on this Earth as ballsy as the Indian two wheel rider. Be there traffic, bad roads, bad weather, too many people who want to go somewhere at precisely the same moment…any damn problem…they don’t give a f**k. They will find a way around it. From jumping on a footpath or foot overbridge meant for pedestrians to get ahead of the traffic. To balancing six people or an equivalent weight in bulky goods on one machine. In the West such feats are performed by professional stuntman with a cautionary warning that this should not be done at home without supervision. Screw that says Scooterus Circus. This specie deserves a complete post and I am calling dibs on it.
4. Stunted Cerebulum (The Peacock): These are the peacocks of the roads. They have to display their plumage the moment they see a member of the opposite sex. They display stunts and boisterous behaviour just to get a look from their object of desire. Mostly between the age groups of 15 to 25, they roam around in groups. They think they look cool and have a false belief that everyone wants to be like them. In reality they lack confidence and are not sure of themselves, thus trying too hard to get attention by grabbing a few eyeballs. And most know, they lack balls.
5. Stunted Cerebulum Decorations (The Bowerbird): A sub specie of the stunt, they go a bit further by dressing
   

   And they still had space for Grand-ma

   themselves and the vehicle. They give their car a graphic job and add accessories like “back wings” (or spoilers to the knowledgable) to it, that make no sense. They are those who have seen a poster of Fast and Furious or seen Tez aur Khatarnak on cable or played a couple too many games of Most Wanted. This gives them a false belief that painting the car in a graphic display will get them laid. They are known to swear by the gods of custom designing and call themselves designers and modifiers. Despite the fact that the only designing they have ever done is to choose where the “Jaat Boy” sticker will be displayed on the vehicle.

6. Speedius Crashius (Road Runners): It’s sightings have increased on Indian Roads over the last few years. The members of this specie usually come out during the night but sightings during the day are also possible. They have an affinity to expensive vehicles and the pavement. Known for their bravery, the members of this specie take it upon themselves to act as live crash test dummies for sports vehicles. When not creating sonic boom on roads, this specie can usually be found on the Road Accident stats of the year.
7. Honkurus Maximum (The Hornbills): An irritant of the highest quality, this specie is hated by one and all. It has an annoying habit of keeping it’s hand on the horn for no reason. The best way to spot it is at traffic signals. The moment the signal turns green, they start honking. It is a reflex action of sorts. Somewhere along the chain of evolution, the douchebag genes survived. I am sorry but I have no explanation other than this. Maybe it is related to Bullishum Cacafonous (refer to Part 1), but research is continuing.
8. The Unzebra Crossers 2: Like the first type of Unzebra crosser, these to do not like using the Zebra crossing or believe that taking the foot bridge and subway is beneath them. But they take the cake when it comes to infuriating a person on the road with rage. They never cross the road in a straight line. Always taking a diagonal route. It is like the math problems in class 10th that involved choosing the shortest route for a boat to cross a river. It seems this specie not only remembered the problem but applied it too.
9. Pseudo Riderus Bikerus (The Dog Pack): Not to be confused with Scooterus Circus, these travel in packs. Usually found wearing leather jackets and trekking shoes, they mostly ride Royal Enfields. They consider themselves to be members of a wolf
   

   #538

   pack. But barring a few, most are just the “all bark no bite” variety dogs. They can be seen travelling in packs with a rather fake attitude while trying to look mean. When not “riding” they are usually uploading pics on facebook and writing about how much fun they had on the last road trip, which always includes a chai session at a shanty in some mountain valley.

The Indian Roads as I have stated in the previous issue and as the title suggests, are a big bio diversity hot spot that are able to sustain a wide variety of wildlife. Each day new species are discovered and there are many that have till now escaped detection. But frankly, I don’t give a damn. The sole reason being that it is tough to come up with Latin Inspired names. And trying to make the article look scientific & psuedo intellectual is quite a task. But if I have missed a few, there is the comments section below

Filed under Humour · Tagged with Arjun Rampal, Biodiversity, Biodiversity Hotspot, Bowerbird, Conservation International, Delhi, Driving, Earth, India, Indian road network, Khatarnak, Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America, Roads and Highways