Doctors and the Forces

Posted by snowleopard on September 3, 2012 · 8 Comments 

Two opposite words you say? No, dear sirs and madams, I was not attempting to add-on to the already bursting list of oxymorons. Some of the newest entries to this list include and I quote “Singing Sensation Bieber” “Writer Chetan Bhagat” among others. Since, I have already made it clear, along with examples, of what I wish not to refer to, let me now come back to the point I do wish to refer to.

So, yes, where were we?

Talking about Doctors and the forces you fucking retard.

Now, now…no abusing please. This is a family blog I am writing for. Please excuse my split personality. He is a bit….

Move on will you, dick face.

……errr….short tempered. So, anyway, since the last 24 odd years of my existence on this earth, I have seen mostly these two. Reasons being a) Most of the people in my family are in the forces and b) Most of the people in my house (read parents and grandfather) are doctors.

And trust me, hell can not be worse. Plus, I have reasons to believe, there are some 72 virgins there per person. Which Mr. Psycho here….

WTF did you call me?

…would enjoy a lot. Please, don’t mind him, he comes out from time to time. The most ridiculous thing about an Army life is moving around. Trust me, ...it’s a bitch...…yes precisely. Just when you had comfortably settled in one place, and were now hating the place quite comfortably, some…err…asshole....at the top brass decides to spoil your party. It is a such a drag. After spending so much time looking around the city, hating every nook and corner of it and its people, and finally when you are ready to settle down and be miserable and curse everyone for sending you there, you are told to move. And the vicious circle continues.

Now combine that with the fact that your Gynaecologist mother was home, so one also has to shift between parents. Anyway, having a gynaecologist for mother is fun. The books at home with big pictures ensured that I was the cool kid in class who had the answer to the questions of all his maturing colleagues. Sometimes (read – most of the times), I made up stuff. But the disadvantage, this had, was that everyone thought that having a Gynaecologist for a mother gave me a free pass to..errr…..bang....every other girl. Since, mum dear would take care if anything happened. I did try to ride that view for some time (roughly 5 minutes), but all I got was a knee to the groin and a broken derrière.

With an Army lifestyle, comes discipline. Which is taken to an extreme. Especially if you have Generals and Colonels around. A family get together is usually hated by all, I just despised it a bit more. Most of all the parade session. Celebrating Diwali was somewhat similar to training for an obstacle course, going through enemy lines and planting a bomb to destroy a target. And Holi…. Tell me, how many of you have had heated discussions on the dinner table, with a sketched map of the local terrain (the housing society) stretched on it, about the strategy to be used and the best points of ambush? This was followed by an early morning wake up call on the big day, mission briefing and tactics formation.

Now, the handwriting of a doctor is legendary. They say, only a chemist can fathom what is written on the prescription slip. Though I stay with doctors, even I have a problem deciphering the patterns, the ink leaves on paper. But I did try an experiment, when I asked my mother to write down “I am a gynae” 5 times on a piece of paper and took it to a grocery store. The store owner, looked at it, re-looked, twisted his features in a weird concoction, looked at me, re-re-looked at it. Nodded intelligently. Went inside. And came back with a bag of chips, three sodas and a carton of milk.

But the plenitude  of experience taught me how to make up stories at the spur of the moment. I had to, to escape some rather tough situations. Especially when I was caught watching…

…Porn….yeah…man that was awesome. And can you believe the reaction of this guy when he first saw a vagina . “Ooooh…so this is how it looks uncut.”..Retard!

Well, I had only seen pics in the gynae book till then. Moreover it was your fault that we were watching it. And please let us keep this post as clean as possible. And why can’t you call it ‘that thing’ instead of the word you used?

Yeah…go on..saint cunt.

Please, I am really sorry. So, I was talking about the stories. Yes. So I once had to tell something about what I did during vacations in school. I had done nothing except crib and be miserable, but I had to say something there. Fucking Education system. ..Err..yes so I made up a gory ode about a hernia operation I had supposedly witnessed. Which resulted in many barfing throughout the room. I still don’t know why. It was a good story, and it made me hungry.

Other than that, there was once we gave some friends, dog food to eat, claiming it was a new brand of Hajmola…so what happened was…

..Oh Shut Up will you…..no one is going to read the shit you wrote anyway. Me me me…screwed up Narcissist.

OK..I stop here. But, I believe, it will be rather abrupt. Suddenly stopping without a warning. It breaks the flow of both the reader and the writer.

Aaargh…Shut Up….. Just Shut Your Mouth.

Yes..yes..I am shutting up. But please do listen to my point…No…Wait…..Not that….NOOO…

Click BANG

Breaking News: The body of a 24-year-old was found. He was shot at point-blank range, in the mouth. Though no signs of any broken entry or violence are present, the neighbours claim they heard two men fighting. More as we hear from the police……

Filed under Dark, Fiction, Humour · Tagged with Arts, Chetan Bhagat, Diwali, Doctor, doctors, education, Fuck, Gynaecology, Holi, Home, humor, Recreation